He
has a daily routine of standing
in front of oncoming traffic, keeping commuters from their jobs working for
the man. When the morning rush is over, he disappears into the woods and then
returns around 4 o'clock for more of the same. A regular Public Enemy Number
One.
He
is a wild turkey, Meleagris gallopavo, whose gastroliths in his gizzard make
him physiologically capable of swallowing and digesting danger, whose bitterness
toward everything in general makes him an agent of chaos in a world controlled by
money and power in the hands of the few who know that for each minute the
commuters are late for work, this turkey has robbed them.
This
earned him the admiration
of locals, who know the value of their time, and thus named him by adding
the honorific Mr. to the front of what he does. Gobbles. Mr. Gobbles.
But
his disregard for authority drew the ire of government agencies, and no one
thought to question why? Could it have
been that he lost his beloved mother as a fledgling? That his father believed
in the adage "spare the stick and spoil the chick"? That his
upbringing among an encroaching urban environment could do nothing but leave
him feeling trapped and rebellious? Could it have been that he was drawn to
Johnnycake by the outlaw example of no less than Gentleman Johnnie Dillinger?
Officials
from the Ohio Wildlife Division make several attempts at catching the turkey. Six or seven Wildlife workers try, but all
fail. "It won't let us surround it," they say. “He’s clever.”
An
ODNR officer puts a large dog cage filled with bird feed at the end of a
driveway. Police reports are made. A shoot
to kill directive is ordered. Within two days, the turkey is gone and does
not return. "It's like he knew we were trying to get him," they say.
Rumors
brood that Mr. Gobbles is locked up in Lima. A wildlife official
says he can't confirm whether the turkey is still alive. Yet one eye-witness
claims to have seen someone fitting his description: Wings dark and boldly
barred with white. A bronze-green iridescence to his plumage. Tail feathers
broadly tipped with rust. A bare head and neck that varies from red to blue to
gray. Turkey. The witness says Mr. Gobbles was standing defiantly on one leg in
front of the Biograph Theater in Chicago. Standing with a woman of low moral
character, who wore a red dress.
